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Back in the early 1990s, Ireland was at the very forefront of white people rapping against rape. Take this soon to be classic, “Rap Against Rape,” as an example. It has everything you’d ever want in a rape rap: Irish people, back-up dancers, and an amazing hook singer. This is by far more effective than my former favorite anti-rape rap, “Things That Make You Go Rape.”

Remember Noah Garfinkel’s post about the Cami-Secret ? Of course you do because he is your PRINCE. The PRINCE of your FAVORITE blog. Whereas I am but a scullery maid, waiting in the ashes, just hoping for a glimpse from Noah. Anyhoops. I met one Nick Stevens, comedian, last night when he kindly tossed me a few matches so I wouldn’t freeze on the stoop I was huddled against. He then somehow recognized my coal-smudged face as someone who writes for Best Week Ever. And he said, “I saw your Cami-Secret post on Best Week Ever and it inspired me to make a parody video and suddenly it was very popular!” And he took me in from the cold and fed me six hot cross buns.* I did not tell him that it was Noah who deserved his thanks and the buns, but I was so very hungry.

Now, normally I wouldn’t deign to show you something with over a gagillion hits because I have more respect for your Internet ways, but since this success was inspired by Noah’s obsession with boobs, I feel it only appropriate to show this parody video. That, and it’s really f*cking funny. (Language NSFW)

So, hooray, Nick! Congrats on your viral success and I hope that we (Noah) continue to inspire you in similar ways. I’m sure I’ve inspired someone to solve global warming, I just haven’t heard from them yet.

*This has quickly become how I remember A Little Princess

Whenever I’m worried that I’m stuck in a dream about an eternally joyless internet, “Between Two Ferns” is the pinch that lets me know I’m awake and alive.

This week’s episode with Sean Penn and Zach Galifianakis’ southern, mustachioed ‘brother’ may be the best one yet. Behold, the editorial commentary I get paid to do: I love this video.

This is a Recap of Top Chef D.C. (Season 7), Episode 12, entitled “Gastro-Nauts”, originally airing September 1, 2010. I was out of this world galaxy space moon asteroid quasar surprised by the outcome of this week’s episode.

It’s the last episode before the Finale, so it’s time to ditch the painful food puns and gimmicky challenges and get to some real cooking…

…Or maybe it’s time to the most do those things.

Before we get to the supergimmick, it’s Quickfire time, and this week the chefs welcome Dana Corwin of Food & Wine magazine by saying how much attention they pay to wine. Wine is one of Angelo’s biggest passions, obviously, because he’s kind of a D-bag. This is also the final high-stakes Quickfire, and the winner gets to go to London for 6 days courtesy of the London Hilton. Angelo wins the wine challenge, obviously, because he’s kind of a D-bag.

Padma then announces that the Finale will be in Singapore. Padma also implicitly announces that she hasn’t done laundry in a while:

After the jump, the Final Five becomes a Final Four. It still alliterates, but it’s one digit closer to not alliterating…

For the final pre-Finale Elimination Challenge, the chefs will go to NASA — the food capital of the galaxy — and cook for a bunch of astronauts, and whoever’s dish would make the best freeze-dried meal will be the winner and have their dish freeze-dried and sold in science center gift shops nationwide. Stupidly, none of the chefs decide to cook a plasma globe.

The chefs are introduced to Vicki Kloeris, NASA’s head fooAAHHHHHH!!!

Why is she lit like that?? Did Bravo cut her evil monologue where she explains her deathlaser?

No time for fear, cause the celebs just keep on coming. Behold, NASA’s very own TJ Creamer and Tracy Caldwell-Dyson:

“We walk in and Tracy Caldwell-Dyson is standing there, and I’m like, OH MY GOD. She does NOT mince words when it comes to seafood. This could be a big moment for my cooking career.”

The chefs shop and cook, Tiffany’s mussels freeze because GE’s appliance is just too damn good, and Kevin talks about not giving up and mentions “We recently took my mom of life support but she kept fighting” (OPINION: Top Chef is less of a big deal than that). The chefs then get a glimpse of their prize: A Toyota Avalon. They all hop in and Angelo gives them a ride to the kitchen while blasting an Asian-influenced miso emulsion on the radio.

This week’s guest judges? Anthony Bourdain — he travels places, like astronauts — and none other than the second man on the moon (and the first man on the Cameo Moon), Buzz Aldrin:

Tom asks Buzz what it was like to walk on the moon. Buzz says “Magnificent.” Tom then asks Paul McCartney what it was like to be in The Beatles. He says “Great.”

The chefs’ dishes are all turning out well, but Angelo — knowing what astronauts love — has a secret ingredient up his sleeve:

Not only has Angelo braised his shortrib with pot, he also tells the judges he “Made love to them.” Sure enough, Angelo ends up being this week’s Quickfire-Elimination double-winner, and judging by the way he caresses the Toyota keys, those shortribs aren’t the only object Angelo made love to that night…

The other four chefs’ dishes are all roundly complimented by the judges, including Bourdain; when Ed unveiled his “Trip to Morocco” dish, I joked in a Bourdain voice “I’ve been to Morocco, so I know this is garbage,” and literally one second later, Bourdain exclaimed “I’ve been to Morocco, and I think Ed nailed it.” Whaa? The chefs are all really, really good all the sudden. Weren’t Ed and Kevin both just totally average, wait-to-be-eliminated dudes in the first few weeks? Well, now they’re apparently awesome, and this field is wide open.

Still, surely they have to come up with some excuse to eliminate Kevin or Ed, right? Not right! Tiffany is eliminated in one of the harshest rounds in Top Chef history — like winning 88 games in the AL East and still finishing 4th (anyone?) — thus totally puncturing my uber-confident Finale prediction. I would’ve bet everything I had on Tiffany from about three weeks ago on, but fortunately, Vegas would’ve been like “Stop trying to bet on this but we appreciate your commitment to Tiffany.” Now, she’s gone. She and I feel about the same way:

So there you have it – your “Out Of This World,” “Reach For The Stars,” “Remember When The Show Was Like Congress And Stuff” Final Four will be Angelo, Kelly, Ed, and in a surprising twist, Kevin:

If I had to pick, I’d probably predict Kelly at this point, unless Angelo can buck the trend of the “suspiciously good from the get-go” guys losing in the finale, but for the second straight season, the Top Chef Finals are looking wide open. My only confident prediction: I’ll make a bunch of lame caning jokes next week.

Tiffany Elimination thoughts? Finale Predictions? Reactions to some actual Top Chef unpredictability? Leave ‘em all in the TITLE OF THIS POST! No, the comments. Was just trying to be unpredictable.

On a day when innocent people were taken hostage, and President Obama sat with leaders to bring peace to the Middle East, and people who are not Santa are being found in chimneys, we bring you this:

ORANGUTAN TIGER MOM!!! No story here, other than that the above animals are BEST FRIENDS 4VR in real life, and that we want to claw our eyes out because we will probably never know half the happiness these animals have found with each other.

Did this post get too dark? Probably! So click ahead for another ORANGUTAN TIGER MOM PALATE CLEANSER!!

Today in “People Smuggling Crazy Crap Onto Planes And Getting Caught” news – A guy in Malaysia tries to sneak 97 snakes and a turtle through security:

The smuggler, who recently served 6 years in a U.S. prison for similar crimes, was detained by authorities at the airport in Kuala Lumpur earlier this week after airport employees spotted the rare reptiles slithering out of his busted suitcase as it passed down a conveyor belt.

According to reports, inspectors found 95 boa constrictors, two venomous rhinoceros vipers and, for good measure, a mata mata turtle.

What an idiot! Snakes On A Plane happened YEARS ago. I mean, if the guy’s intentions were to get caught and provide online news wires with countless softballed “Snakes On A Plane For Real Actually!” headlines, he really should’ve been on top of this many, many months ago. Or at least waited for a sequel. Or a “Snakes” franchise reboot starring Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Samuel L. Jackson and Samuel L. Jackson as his father.

Either way, I think we know what officials said when they apprehended the man:

NME reports that The Sex Pistols have launched their own perfume:

The Sex Pistols scent, which comes in packaging based on their ‘God Save The Queen’ single artwork, is currently available in France, and launches in selected shops in the US on September 10. It is not clear yet when it will reach the UK.

The band have not commented on their latest release, but Live Nation Merchandise insisted they were “closely involved” with the launch.

There are also plans to launch a ‘Never Mind The Bollocks’ soap later this year.

I smell sex and pi-stols here. (Marcy Playground joke, anyone?).

I feel like I should, but I have no problem with this. Hell, you can buy Never Mind the Bollocks t-shirts at Urban Outfitters, so eff it. Why not make a perfume? At least it’s their own product. Bob Dylan did a Victoria’s Secret commercial a few years ago, Iggy Pop sells car insurance, another punk iconoclast laying prostrate to commerce will not make a difference.

Kings of Leon, I still have my eye on you. Sell outs!!

Halloween is merely 2 months away, meaning now is as good a time as any to start figuring out what zany person or thing to dress up as.

As for me? My costume has already been decided. I am dressing up as King Jaffe Joffer from Coming to America. And I don’t even need to take my velveteen lionhead shawl to the dry cleaner:

Anyone figure out their costumes yet? I’m assuming Snooki will be this year’s “Asian Girl from Kill Bill.”

(via Visual Therapy)

Cee-Lo’s “F*ck You” got like 8 billion views last week when the video was just the words in the song happening (a la Denis Leary’s weird Ford truck commercials), so it was only a matter of time before he released an actual music video with actual humans in it, and here it is.

It’s definitely entertaining, even if my jaded-blogger attention span has me slightly tired of the song, but having a kid tell another kid “F*ck you” is usually a positive in any context, so I’ll give it a confident F*cks up. Thumbs up, I mean. Thumbf*ck. That. (I’ll let you guess whether or not the language is NSFW):

Mashups! Kids love ‘em! Kids also love the film The Room, which, if you don’t know, is the epitome of the so-bad-it’s-funny film. You can watch the trailer here. But, basically, it’s become this cult hit wherein there are screenings in actual theaters that sell out and people know all the lines and say certain things after certain lines and throw certain things at the screen. You know, kid stuff. It’s a communal movie going experience not unlike The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So it for sure warrants its own Monkees mashup called “The Roomies.”

Oh, hi, Mashup. (Inside The Room joke)

If you haven’t seen The Room yet, you probably should. At the very least so this mashup will make sense. But also for the LOL’s. Just know: You have to get through some pretty intensely uncomfortable sex scenes in the beginning. So don’t, like, watch it with your mom.

Via The Daily What

Forgive my lateness to this one, but I finally sat down and devoted a few minutes of my time to watch Black Swan, the upcoming Darren Aronofsky movie starring Natalie Portman as a ballet dancer who is losing her mind. The film is choreographed by her boyfriend, once labeled by us as “HOT AS SH*T,” Benjamin Millepied, and also stars Mila Kunis, whose on-screen love-making sesh with Natalie will almost certainly propel millions of straight men into seeing a ballet movie.

When, really, the real reason to see it is revealed at the very end of the trailer: Black Swan is set to be the most inspirational comedy of our time.

Sorry, Norbit, afraid your title has been revoked.

Before the final game in my opposite-of-decorated high school hockey career, I was having a debate with my friend Dave — the guy who chose the music to play on the PA at our home games — about which would be the funniest possible song to blast as our team hit the ice. After several rejected selections (“What A Fool Believes”, “Tears In Heaven”), we decided that “It’s Raining Men” would be ideal, but Dave couldn’t acquire the CD in time for the game and we had to settle for the almost-as-funny “Ladies Night,” which he indeed blared over the loudspeakers during our warmups to my delight and everyone else’s confusion.

Flash forward to last night, when the Arizona Diamondbacks played a prank on infielder Kelly Johnson. When Johnson came to bat, his teammates got the PA sound guy to play — you guessed it (by reading the large words at the top of the post) — “It’s Raining Men,” confirming all these years later that it is, in fact, the ultimate sports stadium introduction song. I’m so glad the D’Backs and 18-year-old me are on the same page:

Randy Rainbow’s cell phone be blowin’ up with celebrity phone calls these days. First, he shared an intimate moment with Mel Gibson, and now, his one true friend Lindsay Lohan has sought him out to complain about the internet and, by default, the world. They talk about everything: Snorting cats, blogs, and the E*Trade Babies.

This one takes Second Hand Embarrassment Syndrome to a new level: Some dude drunkenly lost, lost, a $1.4 million painting. Specifically, Jean-Baptiste-Camille Corot’s “Portrait of a Girl” (1857-58).

Bloomberg.com reports:

Kristyn Trudgeon and Tom Doyle co-owned the Corot and enlisted James Carl Haggerty — her acquaintance, his friend — as an agent to help sell it. Haggerty was to be paid $25,000 upon the sale.

On July 28, according to the complaint, Doyle learned that a London dealer, Offer Waterman, was interested in buying the piece, valued at $1.35 million.

So Haggerty met Waterman at a hotel bar to show him the painting, as you do, and got tanked with him, as you do. Then Haggerty left the hotel bar with the painting (after drunkenly “colliding with the doorman”), as you do, went home and woke up in the morning without the painting, AS YOU DON’T DO.

You know those days when you wake up after a night of serious drinking and there is a split second when all is well and then EVERYTHING from the night before comes rushing back and manifests itself in the most giant headache you’ve ever had? Imagine that, plus losing a $1.4 million painting. And it’s not like it’s a suitcase full of money, it’s a painting. A work of art of immense historical value. And then imagine having to make that phone call saying that you don’t know where the painting is because you were too wasted. Now imagine she’s white. (Sorry, couldn’t resist A Time To Kill reference).

“Yeah, I’ve checked everywhere. Under my bed, in the closet…It’s just not here! Have I retraced my steps? Well, the thing about that is that I don’t so much remember anything from last night…yeah, good idea! I’ll pray to Saint Anthony.”

I want to throw up from my SHES right now. At least I’ve learned a lesson: Never get wasted whilst carrying around a valuable work of art that isn’t even mine. Oh, wait. I ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE.

Here’s a clip from the Indian film Magadheera, a $7.2 million blockbuster action movie that, judging from this clip, is also the greatest movie ever made. Hang on a sec, lemme watch Citizen Kane again real quick… Yup, confirmed. This movie is the greatest movie ever made. Congratulations, this movie:

What was that dude’s original plan? Fight the helicopter with a machete? Save that sh*t for the Indian Machete, the film where a bunch of ripped, shirtless machetes dance for six hours.

As awesome as the clip is, though, I’ll still always prefer the classics.

(via Film Drunk)

Check out this photo of actor Ian McKellen, Gandalf the Gay Grey, back when he was a young British stud muffin:

Hell-o nurse. He’s like a young Ewan McGregor, my #1 celebrity crush. Also loving that shoe hat. Bring back shoe hats.

I know the Miss Universe Pageant was some weeks ago, but have any of us really stopped thinking about it? And by “stopped thinking about it,” I mean of course “ever thought about it.” Well prepare to think about it. Hard.

This is Miss China (Tang Wen) answering some questions for the Miss Universe pageant in a pre-taped interview segment. Before we get into it, I realize that Miss China’s first language is not English. I would sound like a fool, A FOOL, trying to speak Chinese. My sister-in-law once tried to teach me the four tones of Chinese and I couldn’t do that. Tones. So, despite the fact that I hate myself for thinking her answers are funny, I can say without shame that the sound effects portion is hilarious. Because language knows no barrier when it comes to sound effects. Maybe in your French book in elementary school when the duck said “coin coin,” that was sort of a funny language barrier sound effect*. Because ducks don’t say that. They f*cking say quack. OMG look what I just found: A chart for duck sounds in different languages! Bless you, Internet. But I digress. Here is Miss China:

A regular Foley artist that one. Gosh, whoever wrote the questions for these interviews really knew what they were doing. Set the girls up with the softballs and then know that comedy gold will spring from the sound effects portion. What an a-hole. Because if you choose to peruse the rest of the videos of the various Miss’s they all have to do sound effects. No one comes out unscathed. I certainly wouldn’t. But that’s why I didn’t run for Miss Universe. Because I totally could have. I just didn’t want to.

* I realize that when pronounced in that language it’s probably the same thing. Like how hahahaha in Spanish is jajajajaja. But, look, it’s just funnier. Ja Ja Funny.

With only two months left before his new show premieres, Conan O’Brien took a moment today in his lavish new TBS office to officially announce the name of the new show.

I don’t know much about “market research” or “television things,” but I don’t think any of us saw this coming:

This is a recap for the sixth episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a slew of other talented actors, on an episode called “Waldorf Stories.” And here is your For Your Consideration Recap:

This dude that Roger sends into Don’s office for an interview is basically Jon Lovitz in J. Crew critter pants. Could a human being make a worse impression in a job interview? No. Forgetting the fact that he is only an inch taller than SCDP’s brand new (spoiler) CLIO Award, he just doesn’t seem to be a good fit in the world of the dapper advertising scene. Hell, even Miss Blankenship hates the guy.

You’ll notice a running theme in this episode… Don being a supreme Dick to Peggy. First, she’s not invited to the CLIO Awards to celebrate a campaign she helped brainstorm. Then, he orders her to spend the weekend with her new art director, Stan, instructing them to get a room together at the Waldorf-Astoria in order for them to come up with idea for Vick Chemical Corp. This is all well and good, until you realize that Stan…

Speaking of 80s movies, remember when this secretary bumped into Sue Ellen Crandell by the fax machine and then saved her ass by fixing up the Q.E.D. report? We love this lady! Let us hope she never told Mom that the babysitter was dead.

This episode hopped around the timeline a bit, which would have been slightly less confusing if they would have actually tried to make Don and Roger look, let’s say, 10 years younger. Because while we don’t hate the eyeliner Roger has on, we also don’t buy that it’s a look he’d really go for. But what they can’t accomplish with makeup they can make up with in ACTING! And so Don became the most pathetic son of a bitch alive, while Roger perfected his Joan impression…

This is a legitimate question. It sure looks like her, and it would make sense that they’d use her for budget reasons… but it could also be any other wooden 4�4 in a blond wig, so we’re torn.

Put this woman face right up there next to Cooper on our new website SceneStealers.org.

Never accuse Jon Hamm of not ~acting.~ Look at that face right there. ACTING.

Yessss! It’s our favorite Mad Men cast-off (after Sal) and favorite man who has ever slept with Peggy, Duck!! And he is shwassstiezzzz. He’s the Michael Scott in the 1960s ad world, this guy.

Now Don is making out with Joan? Have I missed something? Also, while we’re on the subject of Joan.. POOR PEGGY. While she’s back at the office, Don, Pete, Roger and Joan get to go celebrate the award that she basically won them. Why was Joan there, anyway?

This is seriously my dream: Being whiskey’d and dined by Lane Pryce. I adore his British awkwardness and would make do with his pock marks.

“Uh, Don, pretty sure that insanely sh*tty slogan was given to you by fake Jon Lovitz earlier in the episode.” — What I Heard

I dare any hardcore rapper out there to look more street than Miss Blankenship in the above GIF. Take my advice and don’t take the dare, because it’s impossible. The woman’s a pimp.

I’m not sure if I’m looking at a bra or two banana nut muffins hung off the ends of shoelaces.

Sorry, Cisco Adler, but your title has been revoked. (NSFW Clearly)

I love a man with a long ass crack, but this is ridiculous. Is his underwear the missing link between a one-piece bathing suit and modern day men’s briefs? I’ve never seen anything as disturbing. Oh, wait, JK. (NSFW & Fool me once.)

Stan’s Boner, after getting served and then not getting served by Peggy.

Hanging from the window of Von Trapp family only moments before they were turned into “playclothes” and “Don’s tie.”

Right before performing America’s favorite past time: Blow jobs. Uncle Sam just pulled up a seat next to Sally Draper and started weeping.

Not incorporating the “Coming to America” music at any point in the episode. You say Waldorf-Astoria, I say “My son works?!?” — King Jaffe Joffer

What did you guys think of the episode? Disagree with any of my above assessments? There’s a comments section, friends, get in there.

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Remember back in Lionel Richie’s heyday in the early 80s when he was releasing a Top Ten Hit every week and rarely if ever starring in British potato chip commercials where he sings about potato chips then a dude fights him over potato chips? Those were the days. The days of Lionel Richie not singing about potato chips.

These days are not those days anymore:

(via Videogum)

I have a theory. It goes thusly: The lead actor in a Woody Allen movie (when Woody Allen himself is not the lead) always does an impression of Woody Allen. Having never been in a Woody Allen film, I do not know if this is how they are directed to act, but I think that since one of the leads is invariably written by Woody in his own image, the actor just thinks he/she has to act like Woody-you know, stutter-y and shoulder hunch-y. Kenneth Branagh in Celebrity, Will Ferrell in Melinda and Melinda, Rebecca Hall and (Scarlett Johansson to an extent) in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. The lone hold out is that no one in Match Point did a Woody Allen impression, which is probably why I actually enjoyed it. That and Matthew Goode is amazingly hot.

NOW. My theory is admittedly flawed because I haven’t seen every Woody Allen film and I’m no Manohla Dargis. Or Sex Man for that matter. But, you know what? I don’t love his films! At all! In large portion because of this theory! And while I’m on this topic, I’d like to say that even though people give Nancy Meyers a lot of flack for only having rich white people in her films, the exact same could be said for Woody Allen. Everyone is white (or Spanish) with amazing apartments/country houses/city mansions. And that’s just the world they exist in. Obviously.

ANYWAY. There is a point to this. And that point is, people love doing Woody Allen impressions. Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan are no exception. They’re in a new show on BBC2 called The Trip directed by Michael Winterbottom, who is one of my favorite directors. Coogan is funny, but Winterbottom always makes Coogan funnier than he’s ever been. See: 24 Hour Party People and Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story. And Brydon’s obviously no slouch. After the jump, a clip from The Trip wherein the two eat food and are funny in an Allen-esque manner.

Wow, all that holding forth tuckered me out. I think I have half a bottle of opened Chardonnay in my fridge, I’m gonna go check on that.

Via LA Weekly

I understood the Rolling Stone True Blood cover where the stars were naked and bloody, but Rolling Stone’s taking it a little too far with this week’s Mad Men cover:

No naked & bloody Mrs. Blankenship? What a Blanken-gyp.

No, this clip isn’t from a recently aired reunion special of 90210 wherein the gang gets back together after how ever many years (30 years? Has it been 30 years?). This is an old clip of Ryan Seacrest playing a Newlywed Game type of host on 90210 in the year 2000. The only reason you can tell it’s from the past is because of Tori Spelling’s hair and normal body mass. Other than that, this is irrefutable proof that Seacrest has been being Seacrest since aughty aught.

BOOM! He just sets up the jokes and the actors knock them OUT OF THE PARK! To quote Tenacious D, “That’s f*cking team work.” (That link right there is NSFW)

Via Gawker TV

But instead, is doing this:

0:51 – 1:17 is Emmy worthy of Temple Grandin proportions.

(via DListed)

For those of you who found this season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey to be less than entertaining, good news: The Reunion Part 1 made up for weeks of zero plot. And not even the whole reunion! Hell, the first THREE MINUTES of the reunion were the best part of the whole show!

And all because of Teresa’s nephew whom she doesn’t acknowledge…

The ladies, if you can call them that, from New Jersey were in fine animal form last night, attacking Danielle from the moment her tan bony ass landed on the Borgata couch next to the President of Shit-Stirring Bravo Andy Cohen. After some pleasantries about Jersey Shore, Teresa immediately sank her fangs into Danielle, accusing her of sleeping with a man in front of her children. And then, this happened:

Danielle: Do you acknowledge your nephew?

Teresa:

It was glorious.

So who, exactly, is Teresa’s unacknowledged nephew? Well, according to my go-to source for everything, Black Hair Media, her nephew is a child hubby Joe had with his mistress:

Joe Giudice has a girlfriend named Tara G. Danielle found her because she hired a private investigator and had the Manzo’s and the Giudices followed.

Tara G., by the way, is not exactly hiding out. She attends parties and actually displays pictures of her and Joe together. She also has pictures of a baby, whether or not this is Joe’s offspring is unknown. She is the person Ramona Singer, probably high on too many pinot grigios, was tweeting about when she wrote “Tamra” instead of Tara, the night of Joe’s DWI.

Joe had a son during his/theresa’s marriage and the son is referred to publicly as his nephew.

True? Maybe. Maybe it’s true like a home foreclosure. It would at once shock me and not surprise me.

In true BWE.tv fashion, I spoke with my dear Mother Judy Collins in between the commercial breaks, while diligently writing down her thoughts word for word. So here, we present, My Mother’s Recap of the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion, Part I…

Call 911: It’s a Jersey Reunion

I have to tell you, I’m on the verge of a heart attack. I’m very upset. I told Daddy after the first minute of the show, they ganged up on her. Now let’s say Danielle is garbage. But what are these women? Below garbage. STINKING GARBAGE. I wish them… I am in shock from what I’m watching. That f**king Teresa is a lowlife, worse than Danielle any day. Danielle is adopted, she doesn’t know who her mother is. She comes from an unfortunate background, where as Teresa comes from Italy. Some lowlife family, but it’s a family none the less.

But to go and attack somebody week after week and behave in this manner… a Mother of four?! I hope the authorities in New Jersey come and take those kids away from her on account that she’s a f*cked up mother. She can’t be normal! You can’t be normal one minute and act like this the next. Jacqueline is a piece of horsesh*t, and Caroline sits there like Queen Elizabeth! But she comes from the gutter herself, all of them, I’m telling you. Considering Danielle’s background, she is above them. I’m serious! Cause she’s not the one that churns the sh*t. And she’s right: If that bitch gets up again, I would call the police for harassment. And how she pushed Andy?! He’s the head of Bravo!! He’s some skinny Jewish guy!

We Hate Danielle, But We Must Side with Her

The minute that Danielle came back, and I really hate here to be the cheerleading section for her, but the minute she sat down, already it starts. THE MINUTE that she just sat down! And poof! Is this a reunion? Those other 3 women having nothing to say to each other? Is it just that? For an hour they’re gonna be bashing each other? Cause in every episode, that’s what they do.

These 3 monkeys have nothing to do with each other. There sits Caroline — “It’s enough! Next!” — She must be a movie director! She starts to look more and more like… what’s his name… Daddy, who is the guy who did Kill Bill? (pause, shuffling) Like Quentin Tarantino. Not good at all. She’s a dog ugly woman.

Jacqueline is starting with her every minute. Danielle is a good mother. What about the monkey that she raised? That big Ashley? And when Andy said that 70 percent of people want Caroline to be their mother? Really? You wannna be dumb like her children? One was thrown out from law school, one’s a failing make-up artist, and one sweeps the floors at the Brownstone. This is the mother you want?

“Caroline Right Now is on the Same Sh*t Level as Teresa.”

Caroline right now is on the same sh*t level as Teresa. To even say something negative about those two beautiful girls of Danielle… she knows the light in their eyes? What is she, some kind of Rasputin!? She can see that those kids have light in their eyes or not. That’s very great! Maybe she can tell me if the lotto ticket I just bought is a winning ticket or not. Where this bitch has the audacity to talk about Danielle’s drop dead gorgeous girls… Those sweet sweet girls.

Why do they cry in high school? Maybe because Jacqueline and those other bitches are maligning their mother. Despicable, I’m telling you.

Why Did Dina Leave?

Not Jill, nobody from any Housewives is lower than these 3. And that’s why Dina left. Cause Dina was not this kind of lowly. And I have a feeling that she didn’t leave because of Danielle, she left because of these three, she had to sink to their level and she said “It’s not for me.”

What is Danielle doing to these women? She did say when her girls were young, she put them in crinoline and the other ones are dressed in animal print. She shouldn’t hide behind it. “Yes, I meant your kids look like f*ckin’ monkeys.” Oh, Teresa would have ripped her hair out if she would have said it. There would not be one extension left on that woman’s head. She’s mental. “Yeah, I don’t think you have taste dressing your kids!” And excuse me, in Italy, the Italians were looking at them like gypsies. Not even real gypsies are dressed like Teresa’s children! Who the hell is designing them?!

You know, again they are roping her in. Danielle should have just stayed out of it when it came to Joe’s accident. “I wasn’t there, I don’t know.” Stay out, don’t give them any ammunition. She’s in the lion’s den. Why feed it?

Teresa on her Bankruptcy:

“All I want is for us to be happy.” Yeah, happy. Don’t worry, they’re gonna lose the house. She’s lying. I hope it’s first thing tomorrow morning. A monkey like this shouldn’t have such a pretty house. Oh, and she’s not watching negative stuff. Really? Well what was all this negativity that started from the beginning of the show? You’re not doing anything negative, then what the f*ck was that?

Spongebob Squaretits: The Movie

And again, they’re ganging up on her. That’s all they talk about. It’s sick. About the porno: Who gives a sh*t? You don’t like porno, don’t f*ckin’ watch it! So she has a tape? What is that to you? No, seriously.

Maybe Jacqueline can have a little column in the paper of what’s good and bad in porno. She seems to know good porn from bad porn.

Danielle Makes a Mistake…

She f*cked up a little by saying my kids don’t watch the show. That’s a faux pas. Because they obviously watch the show. And what can you do, that’s what it is. She’s still a very good mother to them. Look, I agree that it’s not good parenting, but she really loves those two girls. Look where she came from — never did I one time say she’s not a gutter girl — but the rest of them are the same.

On Caroline’s Die Hard 2 Moment:

“Yippe Kay Ay!” What is she, a chorus girl in Oklahoma? What is this, the OK Corrale? She’s a girl from Jersey.

Danielle Makes Another Mistake…

Another mistake Danielle makes, another faux pas – when Caroline asked her for an autograph, I would have looked at Andy, “Andy, can I have a piece of paper and a pen please?” and given it to her. You want my autograph? Oh, I’d be so happy to give it to you!

Caroline’s Grooming Habits, Sponsored By Gillette

What is this, with the shaving of the face? She’s shaving from there to her neck? When I tell you that these people are monkeys, you don’t wanna believe me. I want to know what she looks like after 3 days of not shaving. You know, do a separated at birth when you have the bearded guys at the carnival and her. (Ed. Note: I think I know what she means?)

**END** And there you have it. I know many of you were critical of my Mother’s siding with Danielle last week, but I dare any of you to defend how these other women were acting last night. It was reprehensible. Please do share your thoughts on Part 1 of the reunion while I get the smelling salts out for next week…

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Disney released a new poster for their upcoming film Secretariat, the “Impossible True Story” of a ragtag racehorse that overcomes all odds to become a winner. This film does not look nor sound familiar in any way:

Waaaaiiittt a minuttttee… this movie sounds like a TOTAL rip-off of that movie from a few years ago, The Aristocats. You’re not getting my $50 a second time, guys who made The Aristocats then mugged me for $40 when I left the theater. Oh man, painful childhood memories! I’ll bet that’s why to this day I can’t go near really wealthy cats.