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This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in
Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to
Darwin. He’s not too keen on this , but he needs the money and so takes
off. A while along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in
the middle of nowhere. So he stops and asks if they would like a lift.
They say OK. The truck driver says, “All right, hop in, but you’ll have
to ride in the back.”
A 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other
things, involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where
he is off to and he says “Darwin”. The cops go round the back, open the
doors, slam them shut quickly and rush round desperately to the driver
saying, “For Chrissake get going to Darwin straight away and don’t stop
- - two of your eggs have already hatched , and one of them has already
stolen a bike”

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?”

The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?”

The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.

The pastor thought to himself, “oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her.” He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.

The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. “I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member.”

Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, “I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?”

“Oh, yes,” she said. “I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church.”

“He did?” said the pastor.

“Oh, yes” she replied. “He said even He hasn’t been able to get into your church yet, and He’s been trying for years.”

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he’s doing.” God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she
would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said,

“Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what
would it be?”

Little Richie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because
gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said “I
would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could
buy a Corvette.”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny
stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Why Johnny?”

He responded by saying, “because my mom has two bags of it and you
should see all the sports cars outside our house!!”

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

Christmas Santa
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere:
flood, fire, disease. St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven
for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very
basic questions. Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too
tired to continue.
“Pete, take a break and I’ll do this for a while”.

So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name,
occupation, and number of children, where applicable.

After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
“Your name sir?” asks Jesus
“I don’t know” replies the man.
“Occupation?”
Again the old man replies that he doesn’t recall.
“Number of children?”
“No clue” says the man.
Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. “Your name really isn’t that
important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what
did you do for a living, how did you gain your livlihood?”
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
“Well” he says “I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact,
looking at the splinters in my palms, I’d have to say that I was a
carpenter”
“Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next
step: How many, if any, children did you have?”
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to
remember. After a long while he says “I’m almost sure I had one child
and since I can’t remember any dresses or dolls, I’m sure the child
was a boy. And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because
he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides”.
Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the
ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt
of lightning. With tears in his eyes, he yells “Father!!”
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams “Pinocchio!!”

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B’ and so on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

Try to raise one eyebrow.

Crack your knuckles.

Twiddle your thumbs.

Twiddle your neighbor’s thumbs.

Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”

The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Little Johnny.”

“Good morning, Father,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Father Scott, what is this?” Little Johnny asked. “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”